Teens – individuals, interests, conversations, and respect
#mondaymorningreflections #parentingteens #respectfulparenting
Parenting Teens: Interests, Conversations, & Respect [Transcript]
Good morning, it’s time for Monday Morning Reflections.
If you hear the dogs in the background, it’s because they can see me and they want to come see me. And I’ll let them out when I’m done.
So this morning, I posted a story on Facebook from Rachel Macy Stafford from Live Love Now. And it was about, it was about her daughter’s need to not talk to people in the morning, and how she respected that. And how, instead of getting offended by her daughter’s request not to have conversation first thing in the morning, that she approached it from a place of respect
And I could relate to that quote, so very much, that story, so very much, One, because I don’t do mornings well at all. And it’s kind of this thing in our household also, particularly for the girls and I, we just don’t talk to each other,
in the morning, it’s just the way it is.
But it also brought up that whole thing and, and.. You know,, Rachel at Texas Unschoolers has quoted me a quite quite a few times, actually, on this particular viewpoint.
And it’s that, during the teen years, one of the things that is a big shift in thinking is that it’s not about our teens res…, respect to us, it’s about us showing respect to our teens as individuals.
That we can build that connection and that relationship by treating them as the individuals that they are, that, that… Those teen years are all about, figuring out who they are as an individual.
They don’t want to be talked at, they want to just be talked with. They need us to come alongside with them.
And, and treat their interest as something that is valid and, and part of their own self discovery and their self awareness. And even if they like, the interest goes away, or you know, they, they have… something doesn’t work out. That’s data about themselves. That’s that’s good data, that becomes part of self awareness and self identity that the “Hey, you know, that’s not for me, but maybe this is,” and we try different things.
And, and to do that in a healthy way, is knowing that you have support around you and and that people are going to respect you and come alongside and, and help facilitate that. And, and that’s a shift in thinking for us as parents.
And we have to, particularly in our fir, first children, we don’t necessarily see it coming and unless we are forewarned that it’s gonna be coming. Because you know, we’re always catching up.
And, you know, it’s it’s an interesting thing, even now, you know, with Esther, with being the fourth child, sometimes, like, “Oh, she’s made that next shift, I need to catch up a little bit.” But…
Rachel also Texas Unschoolers, commented recently on a young writer who sent out a tweet on Twitter about how it’s so discouraging for her for as a young writer, to hear people say, you know, “oh, yeah, I wanted to be a writer when I was your age, too. But I became an accountant.”
And I’m paraphrasing that a little bit but and that you know, she found that very discouraging that, you know, it’s just like, “Oh, yeah, that’s a great idea. I had that ideal too. But you know, it’s not realistic” you know.
And one of the things that I found interesting as far as raising creatives is that when we treat their art, their book projects, their comic projects, their anime projects, their manga projects, their music projects, their whatever they work on…
Kate’s used to always create something, she has a proclivity to just create out of whatever medium. And Esther, of course, is into art and animation and comics. And all of them except for Zach, all of them have done book projects. And Josh currently is is writing full time.
And the thing about that is, is that to get good at it. You have to marinate in it. You have to work at it. You have to watch and read and be part of a culture of other creators. You have to spend time creating. And time creating is valid.
Even, even if they don’t become a writer or an artist or game programmer or whatever it is, full time, as an adult, the process of working on their art, and the process of discovering these pieces of them helps become part of their identity. And it gives them other skills that are transferable later. So respecting that time…
There’s a story I tell about when Esther was nine and and I was asking her to do something — there’s six years between Kate and Esther — and Esther was nine, I was asking him to do something that I would have normally asked Kate to do. And she kind of was muttering at me is like, “Well, why don’t you ask Kate to do it? She’s just drawing.”
And I says, “drawing is work too.”
And that completely changed Esther’s demeanor immediately.
You know Esther love to draw. She’s a storyteller, a visual storyteller at heart. And so that just completely changed her her seriousness about not only the drawing that Kate was doing, but also her own art. And, and those who follow Esther story know how much she, how far she’s taken that.
But yeah, it’s, that’s also part of respecting who they are in their growth as an individual. And there is a point where if we’re not respecting who they are as individuals, then we start to break that relationship, we break, break that connection.
And I recently mentioned to a friend that you know at some point, to preserve her relationship with her child, her teenager, she would need to stop correcting them. And she looked at me quizzically, and I says, “you know, how much you love to be corrected?”
She’s like, “I hate it.”
Like, that doesn’t change. And, and it’s a hard thing for us because it’s a shift from that mode of teacher, to facilitator. And, and and supporter, we’ve always supported our kids, but to shift that mode even more.
One of the things I really really love about the teenage years is the the concept of Socratic, of the Socratic method — where we’re listening. And we’re asking questions, and we’re listening, but we’re not talking our part on it. And it it creates such valid, wonderful, insightful conversations and it helps our children grow in their thought process and in their identity, and who they are as an individual.
And, and to be able to approach that from a healthy standpoint and to give them that self awareness and that, that freedom to safely embark on this journey of self awareness as an individual, and knowing that every single one of their interests is placed on their heart for a reason. And no matter what they do with that it’s valid and part of who they are.
Anyway, that’s kind of my morning reflection, Monday morning reflection, without wanting to go too deep into that. But if you have any comments, do you agree or disagree with me?
I’m sure that Helen has a comment about the wonderful interests that her children have had. So please share it if you’re comfortable doing so. Otherwise, you can always pm me.
I hope you have a great week. Know that I’m thinking of you.
I’m off to let the doggos out. And they’re gonna maul me for a little bit.
Have a good week. Take care.
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Shannon Stoltz is a writer, trainer, and entrepreneur. But her favorite role has been that of work-at-home mom to four fabulous, homeschooled, and now grown, kiddos. Shannon is fascinated with how humans learn, grow, and communicate, and passionate about the importance of embracing our unique gifts, talents, and individuality. She lives in the countryside outside Houston, Texas, with her family, and their menagerie of rescue animals.